These are my confessions - Part 1

I debated on admitting this or not. My shameless side says 'tell em' and my other side...well I don't have another side!!

But first I must tell you, I do not have on a hormone patch and I was super sleepy last night.

Here it goes. I got mad at my sweet, innocent, flawless baby girl last night. Mad may be a little harsh. I was annoyed. Annoyed that she wanted to sit up and hang out. And I literally mean sit up. She likes to sit and look around. And at 2 am that means she wants the light on so she can see. 

(Did I mention my incision hurts like crazy when I sit for more than a few minutes???)

Finally after like 2 hours, I melted down again. I started crying and woke up James. He got her and put her on his chest and...this is not an exaggeration...she immediately went to sleep. What? Am I serious? Yes. 10 seconds on him and she was out. So this led to a completely different sob story.

My child doesn't like me. Yes, I know this silly. But at 2am that's all I knew was silly. I decided it was because I had a c-section and have had an awful time recovering. I haven't been able to be her mommy and she doesn't know me. So I cried. I was jealous that James could take care of her in a way that I couldn't. I mean, I carried her for 9 months (felt like 2 years). I gained 60 (+/-) pounds. I had a major surgery to bring her into this world. I'm the one having to recover from all this mess. Why in the world would he be the one she wants for comfort?? Oh I know. It's because I'm being punished.

And while I'm having my pity party that NOONE wanted to attend at 2am, I decided all this could've been prevented if God had not made me have a c-section. Hey. I'm just being honest. 

At 5:30 this morning, I was still upset. I got up and fixed another bottle all the while thinking 'I'm hungry, too, ya know?' 

But then I went back to the bedroom and picked up my gift from God and every negative emotion and self-pity feeling disappeared. I apologized to her and to God for acting the way that I did. I mean, she's a baby. And she gets hungry every 3 hours. And she's a night owl. 

I want to learn to cherish these 2am wake ups with just the two of us. I want to remember to appreciate the fact that I have baby to wake up to and hang out with for hours. And most of all, I want to teach her, by my example, how to be patient and compassionate and loving. 

Just so you know...she slept from 5:30 to 10:30 this morning :)

And now here's another example of how great God is. And that He's always on time. And that He will never leave me or forsake me. 

I was listening (because I'm lazy) to 1 Peter 1 this morning. Several scriptures stuck out to me. 

'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.' (1 Peter 1:6, 7 NLT)

Waking up throughout the night may not be a big deal or a serious 'trial' but this scripture did speak to me. My faith is being tested. Not to see if I can take care of Irelyn. But I think my patience, my temper and my annoyance levels are being tested. I am more than a conqueror and this too shall pass!

'So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy.' (1 Peter 1:13-15 NLT)

My old ways (talking about before Irelyn) are selfish ways. I like to sleep. A lot. And I don't normally wake up for anything. My old ways, I get annoyed and aggravated so easily. I know that this chapter in my life is going to change me. But I want to be submissive to God's word and go through the change willingly...and not waking up crying and throwing a fit at 2am!!! 

'Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory. You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.' (1 Peter 1:21, 22 NLT)

I do trust God. My faith is in Him.

Sometimes I just need a gentle reminder. 

Even if that reminder is crying to the top of her lungs in the wee hours of morning. 

Or like right this minute, I smell and hear a gentle reminder taking place. Thank you, little girl!!!

Until next time...

Sleeping Beauty and the 1st man she will ever Love.